The Life I Wanted

Personally, this will be one of the hardest blogs that I probably will ever write. Please bare with me and if you have any emotional ties, advice, or would like to share your own stories, leave a comment below. Please nothing harsh, rude, or negative though. This is also going to be a very long post.

I should post a trigger warning as well — this post deals with life – pregnancy, parenthood, PCOS, and children. If you cannot handle any of those topics or have negative thoughts about it please stop reading right now. If you continue, I thank you for your support and kindness.

As a human being, an American, a female, I completely understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I will never discourage anyone from having them. However, some comments made should really be taken into thought and consideration before being stated, especially in writing for people who will replay that over and over again in their minds. Especially when they come from people who claim to be pro-choice, caring towards women who struggle with infertility, miscarriages, broken families, or have suffered from loss themselves. People make assumptions about women becoming parents, getting pregnant, and raising children (sometimes that aren’t your own) without realizing the pain a few words can cause. That is what lead me to write this now.

I am almost 27 years old, yes, I know I don’t look like it. Some days I could pass for a teenager, but that shouldn’t matter in a case such as this. This is not where I expected to be right now in my life, and even though I won’t complain and I’m very grateful for what I have in my life, I tend to struggle with some aspects of it. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager, however, I wasn’t diagnosed or medicated until I was about to finish college. Part of me blames that for how I feel, the other part of me thinks it stems back even farther in my life. I don’t trust doctors easily, due to the fact that I was lied to and I still strongly believe that I have a medical condition called Polycystyic Ovary Syndrome and I also have friends who struggle with this as well. This goes out to all of you too, because I know we share pain physically and emotionally, every single day.

So here’s a little background on me. I always dreamed of getting married right after high school and starting a family, as soon as possible. As you can see, that hasn’t happened for me. (not that I’m ungrateful for some things that I have gained out of it) For about 7 years, starting when I was 17, I was with the same person off and on. He had no interest in getting married or having children, so that really put a damper on my hopes and dreams, so much so that I would get so depressed and spend days hiding in my apartment and wondering why I even bothered to live. There were other factors involved, but this was a big one for me. I mean it was always the one thing that I knew I wanted in life… to be a mom.

I had been on birth control since I was about 13 years old and used different methods for 10+ years ranging from the pill to the Depo shot. Now this is nothing against anyone who is on birth control, there are some good aspects for some people like short periods, and less painful cramps. For me though, it was awful and didn’t help me at all. When I started my period and still to this day, I am usually in excruciating pain between back pain and cramps. I also have always had irregular periods (when I was on the Depo shot, I had a period that lasted 21 days…). I know that I have a high pain tolerance, but these cramps would buckle me over and I would cry for hours about it. About 3 years ago, I decided I no longer wanted to be on birth control – this being right after the Depo shot incident. Around this time was also when I was put on anxiety meds, which I also gave up because I didn’t like what they did to me and I decided to take control into my own hands. I decided to let my body regulate itself again and went without any medication for about a year or so after that. I also continue to be against medication, unless it is for pain and even then it takes a lot for me to give in.

A few months after my boyfriend and I started dating, I went to my family doctor for a regular gyno check up and expressed my concerns with her. I had already been doing some research on PCOS and the symptoms – most of which I was and still to this day show. She kind of chuckled at me like I was crazy, being that I was only 25 and said to me “you still have plenty of time” – which is one of the things I hate to hear the most. It’s just as bad as being told “Happy Mother’s Day” when you aren’t a mom, or being told “your time will come, when it’s supposed to.” I’m not a religious person, but I believe that everything happens for a reason, not like that makes anything any easier. But anyway, my boyfriend and I are not getting younger and both are very serious about our relationship (hello 2 year anniversary coming up soon!). I expressed my concerns to him as well, so he told me to get checked. After the doctor basically told me I was crazy, she did the exam and found 1 cyst which she claimed was small, no big deal, and we would come back in 6 months to get checked. She also sent me to have my thyroid checked, believing that was the cause of the symptoms I was having. My thyroid came back normal, but the cyst was another story.

A few weeks after my appointment, around 2:00 in the morning I woke up in the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life (and remember I have a high pain tolerance). I woke my boyfriend up, because I was crying so hard and curled up into the tiniest ball I possibly could be in. It took hours for the pain to ease. I knew that it wasn’t cramps though, my cyst had burst. I then later found out how dangerous it is to have a cyst burst and it could have ended much worse, but I also wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy.

This was the worst of it that I have dealt with now in almost 2 years, but cysts also come back and I know that mine has. I have felt it and still continue to have pain in the same area monthly. It’s a very specific spot, so I know it’s not period pains and usually it comes before my period does. Also seeing as though my boyfriend and I are in a serious, committed relationship, there are other factors involved that make me worrisome. Personally, we do not use any prevention for pregnancy. This has been discussed in my relationship in great detail too. I believe greatly that if it was meant to happen, it would.

My girls and I on the 4th of July

On a positive side of this though, my boyfriend has a daughter who is 8 years old. He has graciously let me be a part of her life, and she accepts me as a parent figure too. I care for her and treat her as if she was my own, and if the day never comes for me to have children of my own, at least I know I have her (and my dog, Lydia of course). Maybe that’s what I was meant to be though, who knows. Part of the reason behind this post was because a statement was made to me and I don’t think it was thought through, but it was extremely hurtful to me and has been on my mind since. I was told that “once you’re a mom, you’ll understand.” But you know what, I am a mom. Even though it’s not by blood or my own personal birth, I am. This comment also came from someone who doesn’t know me or my past. They also don’t know what I’ve been through and dealt with between my family members or anything about my lifestyle. This person also claims to be caring and considerate towards people who lost a child or the controversy of mom’s who have had c-sections versus vaginal birth and saying that they are still moms too. (can you say hypocritical?) But I’m not here to put anyone down, just to state my side and the feelings I have.

With that being said, this is a Public Service Announcement for that person, and anyone/everyone else. Please be considerate when you are talking to someone about being a parent, especially if you are a parent yourself. You never know if the person you are talking to is a father who has lost a child or someone who had a child at a young age or someone who has been trying for years. You NEVER know what people are dealing with and your comment can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back for their depression or like me sent my anxiety into overdrive. It should be common sense, but here are some comments you can avoid: “When are you having kids?”, “once you have kids of your own you’ll understand,” “you’re still young, your time will come,” pretty much anything along those lines. Also, if you don’t know if someone has kids or not, be considerate – I know personally I can’t stand mother’s day, because there is always at least 1 person who says it to me and it upsets me. I know I’m not the only one.

This was extremely hard for me to write, and I didn’t go into as much detail as I could have. It is a personal situation for me, but I know others struggle too. I want to let you know, I am here for you. I am a great listener too, so if you need someone to talk to I’m always open to help.

Thanks for reading, I apologize for the length. Please feel free to comment (remember no negativity will be accepted), let me know what else you’d like to read from me, and enter your email address if you want to read more of my blogs.

6 thoughts on “The Life I Wanted

  1. Wow now that was a real tear jerker. You definitely left out some detailed parts but I guess there is a time and place for everything. I myself being that boyfriend with the 8 year old know what it was like for you. I seen all the struggles and watched you grow from a best friend to a mother figure for her. I am not saying everyone is cut out to be a parent even some that are you have to wonder why and feel bad for the children. It is just the day and age we live it. But I can say some people who have the best parenting skill are not parents yet or my not be able to ever be parents for medical reasons. Best advice I can add to this is just don’t judge anyone but most of all don’t think your perfect at anything because there is always someone out there better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First of all I love you. I appreciate you more than you will ever know. You have been the best support and partner these last 2 years and with so much in my life. I’m so lucky to have you and Kenze in my life. You’ve helped me start down a path of finding myself and becoming the best I can be.

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  2. First, thank you for reminding people that they shoukd always be mindful of what they are saying. I try, but admittedly I probably fail more often than I realize. Second, ovarian cysts are no joke, and I hope if you are suffering you get some kind of relief. We all deserve medical treatment that is caring and understanding, but often this doesn’t happen, and I have been frustrated by this for so long I sometimes want scream. Having said that, there are also some compassionate and dedicated medical personnel out there, too; it’s sometimes really hard to find them, though! My 18 year old friend in college almost died because of her cysts. She was showering and they ruptured. She passed out from the pain in a glass shower and fell through the glass, seriously cutting herself; if she had not been stumbled upon she would have bled out on the bathroom floor. Super scary.
    Finally, I wish all the best things for you, whatever they may be. I hope your world is full of happiness and peace and people who are kind. Oh, and as you know, furbabies are awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I was diagnosed with PCOS at the age of 15. I was told by 25 I would never have kids. I was 18 and seeing a fertility specialist – who told me my only option was invitro. I wish I could have afforded to have invitro but thats a hefty price tag for just a shot at parenthood. I have suffered from multiple miscarriages myself and would never wish that pain and grief on anyone. I only ever got to see and hear one of my babies and I have never recovered from that loss.. I also have always known I wanted to be a mom. I always dreamt of having three kids. When I was diagnosed and told that news I hit a rock bottom with my depression and anxiety. I felt every single word of this post in the deepest of my heart. I am so happy to be raising at beautiful, healthy, intelligent ray of sunshine (almost) eleven year old little girl with my boyfriend and even though she isn’t biologically mine she is mine. I wouldn’t give up her for the world, we are still moms and doing the best we can with the hand we have been dealt. From one person with infertility to another, I hear you, I see you, I feel you, and know you are never alone. I will always be here for you if you need also. Everyone needs someone who understands what they are or have went through. I loved this post and shed a lot of tears over it. It really hit home. Thank you for being so raw about it.

    Liked by 1 person

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